Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
