John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
