Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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