Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
