That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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