Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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