I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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