How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
