Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
