It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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