Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
