dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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