Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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