i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
