Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
