If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
