So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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