Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
