i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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