They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
