be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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