I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
