...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
