hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
