Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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