i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
