Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
