This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
