she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
