You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
