I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
