If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
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Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
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Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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