Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This girl is more easily done than said...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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