She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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