Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
