A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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