ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
