dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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