After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early