Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
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If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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