The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
