you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
