M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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