I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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