A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
