If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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