Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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