i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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