i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
