well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
