Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
