I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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