ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
