Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
