you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
