u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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