Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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