Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
