My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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