...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
