can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
