i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
