dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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